Meet the Democrats

As the midterm elections approach, the career prospects of anxious political consultants hang on many television commercials with creepy photos, ominous music, and near-infinite broadcast budgets. Also at issue: whether the federal government remains largely controlled by the Democratic Party, which has overseen many interesting changes to law enforcement, the economy, and civil society over the past 20 months. 

Here’s a quick look at seven Democrats who have major profiles in this major-stakes election, starting with two who, while not on the ballot this November, do speak for many other people who have trouble speaking.

President Joe Biden — Growing up in Delaware, Joe faced down gang leader “Corn Pop,” a bad dude with pomaded hair. Joe’s often-told tale of this face-down marks the beginning of his life-long interest in race relations. 

A young Senator, Biden established political positions he often grew to oppose, demonstrating flexibility. He became a close pal of powerful “Dixiecrat” Senators Harry Byrd, James Eastland, and John Stennis, continuing to show his interest in race relations. In his first run for president in 1987, Joe gave an impassioned autobiographical speech about his family’s generations of hardship and inability to attend college. The speech was soon revealed to be an authentic autobiographical speech recently made by a British politician, as well as evidence of Biden’s prodigious imagination. 

Actually elected president 33 years later, Joe quickly proved himself capable of accepting presidential identity recommendations from leftist historians and policy goals from advisors explaining his policy to him. He made a unique impression as president through many dramatic episodes such as calling himself a senator, referring to the vice president as the president, speaking non-existent words and incoherent sentences, bragging about his party’s “ . . . most extensive and inclusive voter fraud organization . . .”, shaking hands with ghosts, meandering around a stage like an amnesiac, publicly calling out to a deceased congresswoman, and being rushed away from impromptu questions by the Easter Bunny.

Vice-President Kamala Harris — Harris’ political rise was dramatic, going from a powerful relationship builder to a senator of America’s largest state.

Running for president in 2020, Harris polled so pitifully even in California that she was the first candidate to drop out. Though Harris had accused fellow candidate Biden of being a racist and a sexual harasser, Joe managed to read out loud a statement lauding Harris and naming her his running mate. 

Early in his administration, Biden named Harris the “border czar.” In that position, Harris has dealt with immigration issues from a distance and imperceptibly. She giggles a lot.

Five Democrat Congressional Candidates Prominent in November, 2022 Elections  (many others equally qualified are running)

John Fetterman — Fetterman is not your typical politician, unless your typical politician wears hoodies, struggles to speak coherently, frightens children, and lives with his parents until he’s 50. He went from being mayor of a tiny borough in the Pittsburgh area to somehow being elected lieutenant governor of Pennsylvania. In 2013 Fetterman aggressively ran down and detained an unarmed black jogger, a career-jeopardizing act (depending on the politics of the aggressor). Making amends, Fetterman went on to support — temporarily — Black Lives Matter, echoing Biden’s interest in race relations. 

Fetterman’s supporters believe he is recovering from a stroke.

Stacey Abrams — Abrams is running again for governor of Georgia. She lost the 2018 gubernatorial election by over 54,000 votes but for months angrily claimed she’d won and was the legitimate governor. She enthusiastically supported MLB’s decision to move the 2021 All-Star Game out of Atlanta, but spoke differently about that decision after discovering that Atlanta business owners did not share her enthusiasm. 

Abrams is a big Star Trek fan, very big, and made a cameo appearance in an episode.

Mandela Barnes — Barnes was in favor of cutting police funding in Wisconsin before he was opposed to it. He supported cutting Wisconsin’s prison population in half before he stopped discussing the subject. He was a tax deadbeat before he ran for senator and his back taxes were quickly paid. A 2018 photo shows him smilingly holding up an “ABOLISH ICE” t-shirt, but he later clarified that he was holding the t-shirt in support of immigrant children. 

A current Barnes TV ad showcases his knowledge of the price of a gallon of milk. Another features him wholesomely taking batting practice. His campaign promotes his mysterious ability to bring manufacturing jobs back to Wisconsin, which might include t-shirt manufacturing.

Charlie Crist — Governor of Florida from 2007 – 2011, Crist was then a Republican weirdo. Becoming too weird even for the Republican Party, he switched to Democrat weirdo. 

In 2021 he decided, as a congressman who believed President Biden’s performance had been “phenomenal,” to run for governor of Florida again. Crist’s campaign made headlines with a novel strategy based on name resemblance and theology, likening himself to Jesus Christ and DeSantis to “DeSatan.” 

Although successful, popular governor DeSantis would appear to have a prohibitive advantage over a career weirdo, Crist’s campaign seems to think that on election night the race will tighten when outlying weird precincts start rolling in.

Gavin Newsom — California governor Newsom is running for re-election. He strikes poses like a movie star, dines in the finest restaurants, and runs a one-party state with invincible blocs of support from rich tech heavyweights, showbiz luminaries and other people with oceanfront homes, woke academics and college-educated believers, plus aging hippies and many residents who don’t work. California’s private-sector middle class citizens who haven’t already fled the state’s crime and tax hell hunker down in despair, but Newsom doesn’t despair. 

Newsom appears to be interested in running for president in 2024 if Biden forgets to run. As California foreshadows much of what’s trendy and marketable in America, we can imagine Newsom doing for America what he’s done for California. We can even imagine a Newsome campaign song: When You Wish Upon a Star.