“Hamlet? They’re making us do Hamlet again?!?”
“Settle down, people, settle down. Now, each of you has a copy of the new memo from our ‘Bard Board.’ Must be hot off their typewriter.”
“I can’t read this thing. My shrink says I have RSD — Refined Situational Dyslexia.”
“You’re lucky. Anyway, I’m warning you, we’ve heard this song before. The board, aided by our esteemed subscribers, has some . . . suggestions . . . for our schedule next season.”
“‘Suggestions!’”
“Right! Accept their ‘suggestions’ or go work for the Hicksfield County Community Players.”
“Goodbye, art. Hello, Dolly!”
“Why couldn’t Shakespeare have written more plays? Or fewer popular ones?”
“Take a deep breath, people. Go to page two.”
“Please not Romeo and Juliet, please not Romeo and Juliet, please not Ro—“
“Lear? We have to put on Lear again?!?”
“This will be the third time in, what, the past eight seasons?”
“Aw, man . . . I can’t stand it. Anybody have a new concept for Lear, you know, something . . . creative?”
“Remember my concept from three seasons ago? My totally non-traditional Lear, the one set on a whaler adrift in the North Sea? We were going to do it until the ushers went on strike.”
“Let’s re-stage our 2011 production. You know, the English gang-banger troops were doing drive-by shootings against the French gang-banger troops, and —“
“I’d rather do Cory’s production. Wasn’t it set in Oakland?”
“I thought it was Finland. You know, the fjords thing. And Gloucester had that cool icicle beard.”
“The whole friggin’ play is so friggin’ geriatric, we should have the cast use walkers. We need something fresh, people. Fresh, fresh, fresh.”
“OK, the board wants another Lear? The wretched old subscribers want another Lear? Fine, we’ll give them a Lear they’ll remember . . . even the ones who can’t remember anything.“
“I’ve got it! I’ve got it! Instead of three daughters, Lear has three transgender sons!”
“No, too obvious.”
“How ’bout if they’re all undocumented immigrants?”
“Too conventional. Make them The Three Stooges. Except serious.”
“And they’re lactose intolerant! Poisoned by gluten! Victims of micro-aggression!”
“You’re on to something there. And they’re all named Todd. You know, ‘Todd’ is German for ‘death.’”
“I’m not sure that’s right. But it’s brilliant.”
“Let’s go strategic here. We should get our one hip patron — that young guy who runs that hedge fund? — to back us up in refusing to do another Lear. Then we counter with the most radical production since our all-nude Othello —“
“Remember the first scene, when that old lady in the first row screamed? Priceless!”
“Stay with me here. When I was in rehab I developed this amazing All’s Well That Ends Well where the King ends up being a Queen. It’s off the hook. Like Hamlet, except, you know, good theater.”
“Inspired, but we’d hit that ‘it’s so offensive!’ wall again. The subscribers complained three years ago about our Merry Wives that was set in a crack house.”
“I bet it was the matinee crowd.”
“At least they were awake.”
“I’ve got it . . . . a punk rock Julius Caesar.”
“Sorry, it’s been done. One of the best Off-Off-Broadways I’ve ever seen, in fact.”
“Uh, page three of the memo, people? See what else we have to do again? Oh, I can’t bring myself to say it . . . one more . . . Midsummer Night’s Dream.”
(Everyone in the room): “NO-O-O-O-O!!!”
“OK, I know what. For starters, let’s set it at an Antarctic research station. It’s, like, a hundred below zero. In the first scene, Theseus almost freezes to death!”
“Uh, sounds revolutionary and all, but wouldn’t that take some mega re-staging?”
“Bring Cory in. He can do it.”
“I guess you didn’t hear. Cory moved to Oakland and got shot.”
“Wow, that’s ironic.”
“Yeah, even more ironic than — remember that production of Pericles Cory directed, with Antiochus ruling from a space ship?”
“Technically, I think that’s more cosmic than ironic.”
“Whatever. Look, let’s not even discuss Midsummer. Too depressing.”
“Speaking of depressing, people, go to page four.”
“Don’t tell me, not Twelfth Night? Not another Henry, ‘cause we might all die of boredom!”
“Worse!”
(Everyone in the room): “MACBETH?!? AGAIN?!?”
“OK, people, first let’s focus on our biggest chore. You know, the over-produced prince?”
“Hey, here’s a concept! Instead of Denmark, it’s Denver! And instead of Hamlet’s father being murdered, he’s cryogenically frozen! Rosencrantz and Guildenstern take over Twitter! And we make up Gertrude to look like Ann Coulter!”
“Now, that is creative Shakespeare!”