TV Commercial Script
“I Can’t Believe”
Background Music -– light, pleasant
Carefree Woman relaxes in her kitchen, enjoying a slice of toast with spread.
C.W.: I can’t believe it!
Elderly Fellow watching TV. Tray with a muffin, a couple bites out of it, butter knife and open tub of spread nearby. He happily picks up the tub, a bit puzzled.
Elderly Fellow: I can’t believe it!
Carefree Woman stands on digital scale, sees her weight and happily claps her hands.
C. W.: And I can’t believe I’m actually losing weight — thanks to a spread that tastes like real butter!
She smiles happily.
Announcer (voiceover): Oh, that’s not butter!
C. W.: I know!
Announcer: It’s goat phlegm!
Background Music suddenly stops.
Formerly Carefree Woman freezes, wide-eyed, open mouthed.
Formerly Carefree Woman: What? What?? (weakly) Goat . . . what??
Announcer: Yes, ma’am! Genuine goat phlegm!
F. C. W. gropes around for a chair at the kitchen table. She manages to sit in it, trembling.
F. C. W.: You don’t mean . . . it couldn’t be . . .
Announcer: I sure do! That all-natural gooey stuff produced by the respiratory passages of . . . goats!
F. C. W.’s eyes roll back in her head and she starts to slip off her chair. Cut to Elderly Fellow shaking, dropping the tub of spread in terror.
E. F.: But . . . but how could you even get enough . . . (GAGS) . . . enough goat phlegm to, to . . .
Announcer: Oh, technically it’s only fifteen percent goat phlegm. The rest is pretty much standard margarine . . . and of course some slippery emulsifiers so it spreads oh-so-nicely.
E. F. moans and staggers away. Cut to Formerly Carefree Woman in fetal position on a couch. A cat is licking her in consolation.
F. C. W.: (crying) Oh God, oh God! Goat phlegm and margarine? But . . . I heard even margarine is bad for you.
Announcer: Well, think about it. We’re cutting your margarine intake by fifteen percent!
F. C. W. pushes cat away
F. C. W.: Get away from me with your cat phlegm! AHHHHHHH!!!!!
Formerly Carefree Woman bolts frantically out of kitchen into front yard. She starts running down sidewalk but “I Can’t Believe It’s Goat Phlegm!” logo suddenly blocks her path.
F. C. W.: Oh, no!!!
She turns and runs in the opposite direction but the logo reappears in that path.
F. C. W.: This is like a bad dream!
The logo bounces around around playfully, as if taunting her.
She stops and puts hands on hips. Now she’s angry.
F. C. W.: Hey, isn’t there some sort of regulatory agency? Maybe The Food and Drug Admini —
The logo moves toward her. She runs away from it, screaming.
Cut to Cute Little Guy wolfing down a big spoonful of ICBIGP right out of the tub.
Cute Little Guy: Hey, this stuff is even better than Nutella! Says on Twitter that this is the shiznit!
Cut to lyrical soft-focus scene of goats in a field. Background Music returns. A goat bleats, then (SFX) “sneezes.” Slow fade to Elderly Fellow lying dead on floor with medics zipping up a body bag around him. Music continues under —
Announcer: He was not killed by cholesterol-rich butter. Because remember, “It’s not butter . . .”
Super Logo over scene.
Music: (singers) . . . . It’s not butter . . . it’s go–oat phle-e-e-gm . . .