Did you try to watch the 2021 Oscars telecast but click away because it felt like video torture? Or did you — having seen the new landscape of Woke Hollywood — decide not to watch even one more second of grievance and narcissism from showbiz airheads?
Watching a few minutes or not a single minute of this swanky clown shown suggests your mental health is sound.
But maybe you watched a lot of these Oscars or, contrary to human instincts of self-preservation, all three hours and sixteen minutes of it. Here are possible explanations for your situation:
• You have a sardonic sense of humor and enjoy train-wreck, Ed Wood, Jr.-type comedy.
• Your life is so devoid of entertainment, you sometimes actually watch “The View.”
• You need to purchase my Masochism Through Awards Ceremonies. You’ll pay $299 for this four-page pamphlet. Why? Because you enjoy pain.
The 2021 Oscars telecast had the lowest ratings ever, perhaps indicating a declining audience for sanctimonious speeches by dimwits. Excuse me — award-winning dimwits.
Still, there were moments of lightness and joy. One was the award for Best Actress going to the sterling performance of a 60-year-old character who poops into a bucket. This was not only an inspiration to the entire poops-in-buckets community but also a tribute to Hollywood’s larger rest area, Los Angeles.
To be fair, this Oscars telecast was up against heavy competition on competing channels. No wonder the ratings were down when viewers could switch to more pleasant entertainment:
• David Attenborough Presents the Endangered Dung Beetle
• The Home Shopping Network Costume Jewelry Blowout
• Best Infomercials of the ’80s
• The Lifetime Movie / She Whined and Whined and He Abandoned Her, the Brute
• LeBron James Has Something To Tell You (one hour, no commercials)
• The Joy Behar Special / Angriest Stand-Up in Town
Still, hooray for Hollywood, which gave us Rocky V, Karate Kid Seven, and Cats. No normal person loves anything as deeply as movie industry eminences love themselves, especially when they’re all dressed up and lecturing everyone else.
How much smaller could the 2022 Oscars audience be? How much bigger could its diversity virtue become? Use your imagination.
And the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor In a Trans Differently-Abled Pacific Islander Role goes to — oh, my goodness! It’s a tie!