| WHAT THEY SAY | WHAT IT MEANS |
| The economy is strong. | Really, don’t worry, this is totally different from the Carter administration. |
| That’s taken out of context. | Biden tried to talk extemporaneously. |
| She was speaking from the heart. | Harris tried to talk extemporaneously. |
| Sanctuary city | Sanctuary city . . . depending |
| Essential investment | Any government spending |
| Democracy is at risk. | We Democrats might lose some elections we’re frantic to win and might fail to push through every expansion of the big, fat government we demand. |
| Democracy Dies in Darkness. | Truth is illuminated by our newspaper’s partisan reporting. |
| Statesmen | Windbags |
| Yes we can. | That’s we. Not you. |
| Progressive | Leninist |
| Progress | This federal program is doing more harm than good, but we’ll make progress by increasing its budget. |
| No human being is illegal. | We’re putting the U.S. at the forefront of global justice by making our entitlements accessible to eight billion people. |
| Responsible media outlets | All cable stations except Fox, all broadcast networks, NPR, PBS, Google, Facebook, The New York Times and almost all other newspapers, especially the ones that paste NYT pieces |
| Mostly peaceful protests | Pay no attention to the looting, arson, violence, and innocent people being killed. |
| Public schools | Government schools |
| Support public schools. | Property taxes can never, ever go high enough. |
| Educating our children is priority number one. | Every teacher and administrator reaching retirement eligibility by 55 is priority number one. |
| White Privilege | So you live in an unheated trailer, eat food that Arby’s throws out . . . and you’re white? You’re privileged. |
| Immigration reform | Everyone who gets here allowed to stay here forever |
| Education reform | Children instructed with the opinions mandated in teacher training programs |
| Hate has no home here. | Hate has a home here. |
| One-percenters | Republican one-percenters |
| Crony capitalism | Republican crony capitalism |
| Confirmed by an FBI investigation | Confirmed by the Democratic Party’s national police force |
| Equity | Equality, as we determine it |
| Working across the aisle | Republicans giving Democrats what they want |
| Hate speech | Any opinion that makes Whoopi Goldberg angry |
| Racism | Any opinion that makes Whoopi Goldberg angry |
David, I have never dreamed of actually writing out what the drivel spouting endlessly forth from the “Progress” party actually means. At the top of my favorites in this list is finally giving me the real meaning of their ridiculous self-chosen moniker “Progressive.”
Otherwise, I was sort of mentally, automatically, filling in the blank of what it all means with the inversion of what they say, and winding up with something very similar to what you have finally codified here.
Tour de force, way to go!
Thanks much, Jack. I need a million readers with your appreciation. Also a million dollars.
Has anyone explained to Herschel Walker that “runoff” does not mean what he did to his kids⁉️
If Herschel somehow manages to push that ol’ ball past that ol’ runoff election goal line, I’d like to see Sen. Walker and Sen. Fetterman as Chair and Ranking Member of one of those mission-specific Senate subcommittees. Here are a few I would appreciate, though the successful creative professional Millmoss will surely come up with better ones . . . .
Senate Subcommittee on Remedial Ability Equity
Senate Subcommittee on Derogatory References to Adams Family Characters and Football Players Who Played Too Long
Senate Subcommittee on National Decline in Embarrassment Threshold
Hall of Fame curveball artist Bert Blyleven recorded 3,701 strikeouts in his distinguished 22-year big league career. David Bittinger just fanned the entire bench in the dugout on the left in one outing. Keen and clever, with just the right touch of sardonic irreverence. More great stuff from the Curveball King. Long live the King!