How CNN Might Atone for Trump Town Hall with Biden-Harris-Fetterman Town Hall

CNN: Good evening, America, this is Anderson Cooper. Many viewers saw CNN’s recent town hall with Donald Trump. And some of you requested politely — some not so politely — that CNN broadcast a town hall representing the opposing viewpoint. So this town hall tonight at the Center For Progressive Progress in New York City features President Joe Biden, Vice President Kamala Harris, junior Senator from Pennsylvania John Fetterman, and a thousand New York Times subscribers who want to set the record straight. 

(Audience applauds.)

Fetterman: Am I supposed to talk now?

CNN: Actually, Senator, our audience here will be asking questions that you can—

Biden: Question away, Mr. Anderson! It’s like I once told Senator Byrd, the hard questions are the easiest, I mean, it’s easy to be hard, when the hard part—

CNN: Mr. President, perhaps I should introduce our first questioner—

Biden: Hey! That kid’s squawking in my ear microphone again! Whaddaya mean, “Don’t mention Senator Byrd”?

CNN: Uh, Mr. President—

Harris: This is just like when I was a little girl. Old white men not letting me speak.

Fetterman: Old white men? Where?

CNN: OK, why don’t we introduce our first questioner, a non-binary community organizer from Portland, Ore—

Harris: What we really need now are more school buses. They are the need we must recognize now as needed, because the right time for needs is always now. And a special need is special electric buses! (cackles hysterically)

Biden: I was against school buses before I was for them, because those MAGA Repub—

Fetterman: I like buses. They’re yellow.

CNN: Gentlemen! And lady!! I mean, persons of any pronoun . . . . OK, our next questioner is a Latininx trans disabled undocumented—

Biden: I remember when I was disabled — not kidding, it’s no joke. FDR too. I told old Frank that he should just let the photographers show his wheeling chair. It was almost as impressive as my Corvette.

Harris: They promised me I would become president! Now they’re saying I have to go back to that Rio Grand dump and eat that Texas food! (cackles angrily, ala Margaret Hamilton in The Wizard of Oz)

Fetterman: You’re scaring me.

CNN: Maybe we should move on to the next questioner, a biracial 24-year-old diversity teacher who retired because–

Biden: We need to support those bipolar teachers—

CNN: No, Mr. President, biracial. Sir, with loads of questioners here—

Biden: I remember that song! (sings) To Si-ir-ir with lo-ove!

Fetterman: Could you sing something else please? That one makes my teeth hurt.

Biden: How about “We Shall Overcomb”? I sang that with Nelson Mandellana and the Reverend Martin Luther when we were protesting against South American apartheid. (sings) We shall—

CNN: Let’s move this along. Uh, maybe one of our three guests would like to ask a question of another guest?

Biden: I would. President Harris, why do you keep objecting to a perfectly nice compliment I keep trying to give you about how that Breck shampoo makes your hair smell yummy?

Harris: That’s just so wrong. When I was a little girl and racists made me ashamed of my hair—

Fetterman: I had hair. Hoodies are better.

(Senator Feinstein wanders onstage.) 

Feinstein: Hello? Hel-LO-o! Is this for that quorum thing or my hair appointment?

CNN: This is CNN.