Bob Blandisch — A former Executive Officer of Wyoming’s Board of Outfitters and Professional Guides, Blandisch is reportedly ready to run for the Republican presidential nomination. In a recent speech to the Casper Chamber of Commerce, he presented a modest vision for the country: “I want to make America pretty good again, but this time without scaring so many people.” He hopes to be a top-ten finisher in Iowa, New Hampshire and Wyoming. In his spare time, Blandisch collects barber poles.
William Williamson — One of California’s most prominent Republican politicians, Williamson has been a three-time candidate for the L.A. Unified School District’s Board of Education, and once received double-digit votes. Williamson’s goal as president: “I want to transform America the way I’ve tried to transform education in Los Angeles, except successfully.” When not running for office, Williamson works for production companies as an extra in crowd scenes, and has been slightly injured twice.
Mitchell Smith — Smith’s advisors plan to stage his campaign announcement through a dramatic emergence from a revolving door. He will then denounce “. . . revolving politicians who go nowhere except for being re-elected.” Smith believes his having never been elected to office (much less re-elected) while succeeding in the private sector makes him the ideal 2024 Republican nominee. If elected, Smith pledges to place in a blind trust his mail-order business specializing in gun racks.
Veronica Pippendale — Preparing to enter the Republican presidential race, Ms. Pippendale recently retired from her position as president of the Happy Trails Condominiums Board. She believes “America is ready to elect a woman president, especially when that woman is married to a successful mortician like my husband Chester but she is independently successful as a jewelry consultant and knows when to tell Chester to mind his own business.” Pippendale plans to finance her campaign by finally selling her substantial holdings in Plymouth Motors. She emphasizes that she currently polls at the same candidate preference percentage as Chris Christie.
Davenport Sturdley, Jr. — Shortly after acquiring a major potash mining company and a substantial fortune through the passing of Davenport Sturdley, Sr., the younger Sturdley turned his attention to public service. He was soon appointed Director of the South Central States Dinner Theater Association. His upcoming presidential campaign is based on “…rounding up all them scalawags, rascals, evil-doers, and welfare chiselers.” Sturdley is also polling at the same percentage as Chris Christie.